I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How external is "for external use only"?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
