Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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