your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
another moral hangover. fuck.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
