So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
