You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
