I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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