News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
