I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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