i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
