apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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