His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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