Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize