i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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