good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
