saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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