I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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