i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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