omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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