He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
