Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
