it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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