I just saw a hot homeless man
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
This baby is an asshole
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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