I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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