My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
