Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
