I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I want her autograph on my taint
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Randomize
