I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
