I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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