i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize