I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i drank out of a bidet.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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