Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
