if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
