she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
