Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
