I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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