I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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