Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Drunk is a universal language darling
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
