He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
