I think I died a long time ago.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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