Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
