what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
