Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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