I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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