I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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