i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
