So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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