I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
