I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
someone owes me an orgasm
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
