I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Randomize
