Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
