just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
