Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
