So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
my being single is dangerous.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
