A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
