How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
