I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
