I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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