listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Too much gin, very little bucket
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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