the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
